When a couple announces their engagement, one question inevitably follows: “how did you do it?”
In hetero relationships, the man typically faces a full interrogation. “Where did you propose? Where did you get the ring? TELL US EVERYTHING!” The woman, on the other hand, puts the shining diamond on full display. Oohs and aahs abound!
It’s a ritual we’re so accustomed to that we expect the whole engagement story to be shared in newspapers or Instagram posts. And, for the most part, these narratives follow the same formula: man plans to ask, man buys a ring, man gets down on one knee and woman accepts or rejects.
Naturally, when I saw the 2010 movie, Leap Year, for the first time, I giggled at the plot.
It outlines the Celtic tradition of women flipping gender scripts and proposing to their partners on February 29, or “leap day.” What a novelty! But even today, as we continue to challenge archaic traditions and champion gender equity, the practice of proposing seems mostly oriented towards men.
So, where does this leap day tradition come from? Why is getting down on one knee seen as a masculine responsibility? And how are people, especially within the 2SLGBTQ+ community, shifting the framework of engagements?
What Do Leap Years Have to Do With Women Proposing?
Depending on who you ask, the leap day tradition dates anywhere between 5th century Ireland and 13th century Scotland, though both timelines are debated by scholars. The tradition made its way to the US in the late 18th century and remained well into the 1900s, where the gender swap was made, not only in regards to marriage, but also on city councils, police, and fire stations.
The common theme always leaned towards the act being seen as a joke; a way to poke fun at ‘impatient’ women and diminish a man’s, well, ‘manhood.’ In contrast, it’s believed that a man getting on bended knee came from medieval knights bowing and showing respect to noblewomen.
For much of human history, marriage has been used as a contract to unite two families. As modern marriage has evolved into a partnership based (predominantly) on love, traditions like church weddings, giving away the bride, white dresses, and bouquet tosses have begun to fade into obscurity.
Rosemary Hopcroft, professor emeritus of sociology at University of North Carolina tells Time that receiving a ring demonstrates that the man can provide for their offspring. "It's obviously not rational. There is no need for it. But we're not just rational actors. We're emotional,” Hopcroft says.
And how can we not be, given that Hollywood has spoonfed the romantic proposal to us over and over again? Not only that, but we all know someone who starts their proposal story with, “I was tired of waiting, so I told him it was now or never!”
Women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. On one hand, we fear being seen as pushy, aggressive and insistent. We fear what opinions people will have of our proposal story. We fear being rejected or unloved.
On the other hand, we relinquish the power of determining the timeline of a future together. In this way, cultural norms can influence the level of agency we have in making (or waiting) for one of the most important decisions of our lives.
Subverting Gender Norms
Women are earning their own living, deciding if having children is the right choice for them, moving in with partners and, yet, the social stigma surrounding women-led proposals has largely stuck around.
Is it time to update this tradition or, at least, question it? Perhaps instead of gendered expectations, we can encourage couples to define how they want to approach deciding to tie the knot.
One trend that’s on the rise is the double proposal, and it’s being pioneered by the 2SLGBTQ+ community, in particular. Same-sex, nonbinary, and queer partnerships are removing the assumption of a solo-proposal and are, instead, popping the question even after they’ve already said yes.
Some find themselves going down on one knee only to have their partner do the same right across from them. Others, already engaged, are biding time to propose on their own terms. What a wonderful way to personalize your story, basing it upon your own feelings, memories, and moments within a relationship. No pressure to be perfect or to bear the sole burden of asking such a big question.
Leap Year or Not, Do What You Want
Additionally, we’re seeing more women giving their partner gifts like engagement watches, jewelry or flowers as gestures of love and marriage. More people are waiting to get married and couples are choosing to live with one another before taking the next step. Being given more time and space to explore what each person wants in a marriage is leading to more direct and frank conversations.
Some people just mutually decide when it’s right, whether that’s over dinner or lying next to each other in bed. Celebrities like Kristen Bell, Jennfier Hudson and (my personal idol) Judge Judith Sheindlin have taken matters into their own hands, leap day or not.
So, yes! 2024 is a leap year and a great opportunity to pop the question. But so is literally any day EVER. Don’t limit yourself to waiting on someone else to ask for something that you know you want.
If you’ve been dreaming of a surprise proposal since as long as you can remember, then that’s okay too! Instead of being orchestrated around an outdated tradition, everybody’s proposal story should be unique to their love.