In a society that traditionally centralizes sex from a man’s vantage point, sexuality from a woman’s perspective is not as openly shared, discussed, or celebrated.
The culture we live in has normalized masturbation for men, but the topic around self-pleasure for women and non-binary beings is often regarded as taboo and considered shameful or dirty. What is backwards about that imposition is that a huge part of who we are as individuals, and as women and non-binary royals, is our sexuality.
We not only have the permission, but we have the right to explore, create, redeem, and thrive in our sexuality. Because this conversation isn’t being held by the masses, it is important to write a new chapter on what sexuality means to us. Through the gift of self-love and self-pleasure, we can find self-empowerment, confidence, and connection.
On this journey of self-love, self-pleasure has been a means of reconnecting with myself and body — a form of self-care and self-love that I prioritize to help express my divinity as a woman.
So how can we find empowerment in self-pleasure and understand its strength in catalyzing our growth as sexual beings?
Unlearning What We've Been Taught
Redefining my sexuality has meant unlearning what I was taught about what it should mean and look like. Like many women, I was taught to focus on male pleasure and that tapping into your sexuality was reserved for sex with your partner.
I was also taught that sexuality should be kept in the bedroom and that self-pleasure was shameful and embarrassing. I could go on about the backwards narratives I was taught about how women "should" express themselves or, better yet, repress their sexual desires.
I have had to dismantle these beliefs and redevelop my own values around sexuality, self-expression, and stepping into my sensuality.
Becoming intimate with myself involved asking myself questions I avoided in the past, like “What turns me on? What turns me off? How do I like to be touched? What makes me feel loved? What would make pleasure feel nourishing?”
Answering these questions authentically has allowed me to recognize that self-pleasure is one of the most powerful self-love practices. It connects me to my sexual energy, my radiance, makes me feel powerful as an evolving woman, and brings joy and delight to myself, by myself.
Giving Back to Yourself
In a society where we are constantly giving ourselves in every capacity, how often can we say we are truly giving back to ourselves? Self-care has become a buzz-worthy trend in recent years, but rarely do we think of self-pleasure as a form of self-love.
Self-care can be defined as taking action to preserve or improve upon one’s health, and self-pleasure encompasses this to its core. Sexual wellness is a fundamental part of our overall health.
Self-pleasure is a way to connect with ourselves sexually and emotionally, it is a way to tenderly give love to ourselves energetically through physical touch and to hold space for ourselves and whatever might arise.
We can discover ourselves through self-pleasure and explore areas that may be untapped and untouched. Self-pleasure offers us the opportunity to regain confidence and offers us a way to give back to ourselves.
Whether we're looking to relieve stress, improve our mood, or indulge desire, it can be a healing and empowering act.
Loving Your Instrument
You might think sexual energy is about sex, but it's actually about feeling alive. Tantra has helped me shift my mindset and see my body as a divine instrument.
Tantra involves a heightened awareness of all aspects of life — including, not just sex, but how you walk, sleep, drink tea, and show up for your community. It weaves the sacred into your daily life and opened my heart to seeing that everyone around me is love, including myself.
You may have come across the term tantra in the media (where it refers to ecstatic tantric sex, open relationships, and numerous orgasms) or in spiritual circles (where it can have different overtones: connection, celebration, intimacy, transcendence, divine consciousness, and so on).
Tantra is an esoteric tradition of Hindu and Buddhist origin that stems from India. At its core, Tantra is about seeing everyone and everything as divine. The word tantra — pronounced tan-truh — means "to weave." Those who practice tantra weave together the physical and spiritual, bringing together spirituality and sexuality.
The definition I use for myself and my coaching practice is tantra as a spiritual practice that involves exploring your personal identity. It’s a practice that’s less about performance and more about pleasure, deep connection, and solo or partnered intimate pleasure. It’s not about getting off, but slowing down and getting to know all parts of yourself, including the parts you may have rejected or denied.
Tantric Self-Pleasure Tips
1 - Set an intention. Remember there are no goals in tantra. It’s all about raising your awareness and exploring your energy.
2 - Set the scene. I love to light a candle, turn on some music, and slip into something that makes me feel like a sensual goddess.
3 - Grab your pleasure kit if you have one. I like to use body-safe oils, like coconut oil or jojoba, and my crystal pleasure wand. If you don’t have one, that’s OK. Use your hands and imagine that whatever is touching your body is a source of unconditional love.
4 - Go slow and focus on your breath! This is all about enjoying your body, practicing playing your instrument, and the journey of discovery. It's not about an orgasm. If you have one, great! Think of it as a gift to yourself.
5 - Relax, don’t stress, and worship your body because you deserve it. Let go of all expectation and focus on what feels good.
One of my favorite practices for self-love comes from the Daoist traditions of tantra: a breast massage. It’s a practice that can help you open the energetic heart and release stagnant energy and restore the body back to a present, loving, and compassionate state of being.
Your body is an instrument. How are you tuning your instrument to play the most delicious song of love?
Jo Portia Mayari is a sex and relationship coach based in Oakland.