When people get married or have a baby, gift registries are a commonplace way for other people to celebrate the milestone and help them move into the next phase of their lives. But what if marriage and kids aren’t something you want for yourself?
As I enter my late 30s, the lifestyle I want for myself is becoming more clear. Or, more accurately, I'm becoming more confident about talking about my goals and desires, which don't align with what is traditionally expected of women.
Through this, I’ve begun to wonder why only certain lifestyles are celebrated and supported. Similarly to those who choose marriage or pregnancy, I want to shout from the rooftops about my choices — because I'm proud and excited about them.
So, to celebrate the road less traveled, I set up a gift registry for myself.
Choosing Myself
When my partner of five years left so he could have children, it really did feel like I was choosing myself. People have told me that if you’re child-free, you haven't done anything differently, nothing has changed for you, but that's not how it felt for me. It was an active decision, and it wasn’t celebrated.
People asked, “Are you sure?” Some women told me how brave they thought I was. Some even said they weren’t sure they would have walked away from the relationship, out of fear of the unknown of being child-free.
Of course, many women choose not to have children, but this decision is seldom seen as something to celebrate loudly — to praise and encourage. Instead of being regarded as an active choice, it’s often thought of as the result of unfortunate circumstances.
When my partner and I separated over our differences about having kids, I had no notion of what life down the road less travelled could look like. I knew I didn't want a life of parenting, but because there are so few examples of what a life without kids can look like, I felt isolated and confused about how to move forward.
Even though I knew with every fibre of my being that I didn't want to spend my life parenting, I second-guessed my decision because of how strongly societal pressures were impacting me.
Channeling Confusion Into Art
It has been a weird and challenging phase of life, and a struggle to figure out how to move forward without seeing many role models living the life I visualize for myself. Making art about my experience of the world is how I make sense of it, so my gift registry is a part of a larger body of work I’m creating to help me move forward.
In retrospect, the project started post-separation when I created an art book about cycling across South Korea by myself. It continued with an exhibition and accompanying art book I created in 2002, titled Becoming Not A Mother.
When you decide not to become a mother there is no word for what you are becoming. But not becoming a parent does not simply mean a continuation of the status quo. The book is an exploration of self care rituals and healing through feelings of loss, alienation, and unworthiness in the wake of my decision to not have children.
The ongoing project also includes a short film I'm currently editing about women travelling alone. I’ve been photographing the gift registry items that people have been sending me, as well as the notes sent along with the gifts.
I’ve been astounded by the response to the gift registry so far. I’ve received gifts and notes from some of the closest people in my life, and also from complete strangers. The gifts are fun and amazing, of course, but the notes that come with them are the real gifts.
I'm encouraged that I'm not the only one who thinks it’s important to loudly and publicly celebrate women for more than getting married and having babies.
Words Carry Weight
Among the notes I’ve received, here are a few that have resonated.
"Hi Jackie. I wish I could find the words to tell you how deeply this project resonates with me. When things get tough, remember that choosing yourself and living your truth will never lead you astray. Much love."
"Wonderful Idea! So happy to support – with chocolate! My own path to motherhood was unplanned and tough. Fully appreciate and celebrate other options and choices. Wish you all the best in this beautiful, hard life!"
"Jackie – Congratulations on this next phase of your life – full of art, travel, beauty and joy, and a renewed commitment to the life you want and deserve :) Love, a fellow bad binch!"
Jackie Dives is a photojournalist and artist based in Vancouver.