Picture this: it’s 7pm on a Friday. It’s a feverish 95 degrees, and you’re out on the town.
You hit up your local bar, and—to your luck—the CUTEST girl is sitting across from you, giving you shy glances here and there.
You’re in your single era and think it's time to spice things up. So, what do you do?
A: Scoot closer and ask if you can get her a drink.
B: Compliment her outfit.
C: Keep playing this game of eye tag until you eventually leave the bar feeling defeated. In short: you’re too scared to flirt.
For a lot of Queer people, option C is the reluctant choice. I’ve heard too many stories of people missing out on their chance to flirt and meet someone new—mainly due to fears of rejection or coming off as predatory, and internal confidence struggles.
Flirting can feel intimidating because, well, being vulnerable is hard.
Nobody likes to feel rejected. But those are also simply the risks that come with the territory. What’s important is not to project your self-worth into what should be a fun and lighthearted introduction.
I remember searching the keywords “how to flirt with girls” on YouTube as an 8th grader. I’m sure you can imagine what the results were like in 2013. Videos of guys giving tips to other guys didn’t quite resonate with me as I tried to smooth-talk my first girlfriend.
So, how did I go from no-game to playgirl extraordinaire? Ahead, I explore some of the dos and don’ts that guide my flirting philosophy as a Queer person.
DO: Start With a Genuine Compliment
For starters, let’s get familiar with some indicators that the person you’re looking to flirt with might be Queer.
Historically, carabiners, lavender tattoos, rainbow-themed jewelry, and certain piercings (like a septum piercing) can be subtle indicators within the community. Recognizing and commenting on these elements of someone’s look can be an excellent way to signal mutual interest and understanding.
You can never go wrong with a sincere compliment. Don’t be shy to say you think they have a beautiful smile, or are wearing a fantastic outfit. Specific details will help make your compliments feel personal (instead of generic).
This small shift is how you elevate “you’re so pretty” into a more direct compliment. Hearing things like, “I love your outfit” not only warms me up for a conversation, but can lead to something more.
As a Lesbian, there comes the struggle of “is this girl flirting with me, or is she just being nice?” because, let’s face it, lots of girls are friendly—and it’s pretty normal for women to offer each other compliments.
So, how do you filter out the kind-heartedness of strangers from the flirtatious advances of someone wanting to rearrange more than just your furniture?
DO: Engage Positively
If your potential crush responds well to your compliment, ask them questions about themselves.
It doesn’t have to be complicated. For example, you could ask: what brings you out here tonight? What’s your favorite [interest]? Have you read anything interesting lately? Tailor the question to fit the circumstance.
Ask them for a menu recommendation if you're at a cafe. If you’re at a library, ask about the book they’re reading.
Do: Find Your Unique Approach
You might naturally be outgoing and direct, while some prefer a more subtle, hinting approach. Neither one is ‘better’ than the other.
The best way to make an authentic connection is by being true to yourself. If you’re an extrovert, you know your eye is on the prize. If you’re more reserved or shy, try something like writing a note.
Nothing’s cuter than when a waiter says, “actually, the person over there covered your tab.” It shows you’re interested and can avoid any stumbling blocks that come with hyping yourself up.
DON’T: Open With a Hypersexual One-Liner
The internet may have rotted your brain into thinking hypersexual openers are the way to go—but they often aren’t appreciated in real-world applications.
Unless the other person explicitly states they enjoy that kind of attention, it’s not recommended. It’s all about time, place, and fostering mutual respect.
If you’re at that kind of event, go ahead! But if you’re at the local bookstore, maybe talk about undressing the sleeves off a new read instead of your potential date.
DON’T: Disengage Too Early
People often build up the initial opener so much that when it lands, they aren’t prepared to continue the conversation and walk away with the interaction having gone nowhere.
To prevent an awkward gap, keep different scenarios in mind to help make these interactions smoother. They say practice makes perfect, but I think it’s more like preparation makes perfect.
DON’T: Play a Persona
It’s natural to want to paint yourself in an ideal light, but people can usually tell when you’re putting on a character. It can come across as inauthentic or like you’re trying too hard.
All in all, flirting is an art, a skill, and, like any other skill, requires preparation, practice, and execution. It’s also a process that involves both failure and success.
It’s all about finding your groove, balancing sharing things about yourself and learning about others, and, most importantly, growing more confident with each passing interaction.
Now get out there, flirt with your crush, and make it a Hot-Queer-Summer!