Pride season is here! For many it's a time of celebrating, mourning, and reflecting on how we’ve gotten to where we are today. For Queer people, these feelings and experiences aren’t limited to the month of June. When July first strikes, we don’t suddenly burst into glitter.
So, why does visible allyship seem limited to certain timeframes? What’s the difference between changing a logo to reflect the rainbow colors versus impacting authentic change? What does showing up mean, who benefits from it, and why is it important?
Allyship is more than just a buzzword — it has the power to transform the experiences of Queer folks, to create a sense of belonging, and allow people to discover and embrace their most authentic selves.
Queerness Isn’t a Phase
I was 15 when I first officially came out to my parents, and it was a terrifying experience. I was grounded and caught sneaking on a device I wasn’t supposed to have. Can you guess what I was doing? I was texting a girl I liked, of course.
It felt like my life was about to be over. Not only did I get caught, but now they were going to figure out I was gay by way of those messages. I decided to rip off the band-aid before they did and broke down in front of my mom — I had something to confess, I told her.
I thought I had been sneaky, but my mother saw right through my veil. As her firstborn, she told me, she knew more about me than I knew about myself. My father’s reaction was one I’ll never forget: “I understand, boys aren’t that pretty anyways.” It was very on brand for my father, who, to this day, has remained my fiercest ally.
Falling outside of the norm can be an incredibly isolating experience for Queer youth. It’s funny, some will say exposing kids to 2SLGBTQ+ people or media will make them Queer. I couldn’t even name a Gay public figure — and, yet, I was Queer-er than a three dollar bill.
It didn’t take long to figure out I was different; I could already identify my otherness from my peers and siblings. I was what you would classify a “tomboy.” I hated dresses, only played with “boy toys,” and was always roughhousing with the guys instead of playing nicely with the girls.
Various family members commented that it was a “phase” I would grow out of — that when puberty hit, I’d be all makeup, dresses, and boy-crazy. Fast forward years later, I was still that same tomboy, even less concerned with male validation, still roughhousing, and avoiding dresses at all costs.
Support Through the Trials of Self-Identity
I’ve always been one of the first openly queer people in any of my circles. I was truly blessed to have a support system that allowed me to do so. My friends not only accepted me without question, but created space for me to become more comfortable with my masculine side.
My first girlfriend was in seventh grade, and I dated my best friend for over a year. I remember all my friends helping me ask her out, being supportive of our relationship, and never excluding us from events just because we happened to be Queer. There was no awkwardness, no change in our affection for one another.
Coming out can be a terrifying time for people; you may think you know someone or think their love for you is unconditional, only to find out there are conditions. As people navigate these trials of self-identity, allyship and support are crucial in making folks feel that they truly belong.
Though, at the time, I still identified as Bisexual (compulsory heterosexuality is one hell of a curve and a topic that warrants its own article), I had the same support years later when I finally felt confident identifying as a Lesbian.
Self-discovery is an ongoing journey throughout our lives. Some may be able to swiftly step into their true identity and never sway. In contrast, others’ identities may evolve and fluctuate — neither experience invalidates the other.
I have friends who change their names every couple of years, one who no longer identifies with the gender they presented as when we were kids — it’s all just a part of life. We grow, we learn, and we make new discoveries.
Showing support through these natural evolutions is when allyship truly shines.
Let Your Allyship Shine Bright
I was able to come to terms with being Bisexual then, later in life, identifying as a Lesbian because of the support around me. Support and understanding from allies in the lives of Queer folks can make this journey to self-acceptance less daunting.
Be that person who uses the correct pronouns, affirms people’s choices, allows them to change, and doesn’t project your own ideas onto others. Strong allies don’t just happen, in the same way that finding confidence in my Queerness didn’t happen overnight.
Allyship takes a conscious effort to develop the necessary understanding to be a solid support system for Queer folks. Take time to listen, learn, and be okay with being a beginner. It also means extending your allyship beyond Pride month and committing to year-round efforts.
Seek out resources from Queer folks, stay informed on events and news for your local area, but don’t expect to place the burden of education on Queer folks in your life. Professors and experts are paid to share their knowledge, which is labor you should keep in mind when interacting with Queer people.
Cultivate your active listening skills, foster compassion, and, most of all, always approach things with love.