I struggle to look at myself in the mirror every day. In fact, I avoid it if I can — it’s always been that way. Some days are better than others but, most times, I struggle with my body image.
It doesn’t help that the “ideal” body image changes every six months according to the internet. It's a vicious cycle: everyday women compare themselves to unattainable beauty standards. I think the strangest part is knowing that there are women who compare themselves to me, wishing they had my body.
It’s a dark pit that most women visit at some point in their lives. When I turned 18, I first began to feel self-hatred. It’s what prompted me to begin experimenting with photography.
I set my camera up on a tripod and began taking photos of myself. Eventually, I started to share them on Instagram and, suddenly, started to gain more exposure. People would message me from all over the world telling me how my photos have saved their lives; how my photos inspired them to chase their dreams.
Brands started reaching out to ask me to shoot their products because they adored my photography. Before I found myself in self-portraiture, however, I always felt lost with my art. I jumped from weddings to family portraits to nature photography and didn’t enjoy any of it.
I knew I loved shooting — I just didn’t know what until I played around my self-portraits. More specifically, creating art through self-portraits in a place that makes me feel free: nature.
Feeling the beauty of nature — the sun on my scars, the wind taking me off my feet, the softness and gratitude it brings — is where my photos come to life. I feel safer and more beautiful behind the camera.
I feel like the camera sees something different than what I see in the mirror. She’s more soft, more delicate, someone who can’t be harmed. She is safe and she is beautiful. I appreciate my body for all that it’s been through. From self harm scars, stretch marks, body hair, dry skin, and everything else under the sun.
My scars don’t define me, but they are what make me unique. Slowly as the days pass, I’m learning to love and appreciate my body and heart for their strength. I know I’m strong. I know what I’ve been through and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
It’s taken resilience and fortitude for me to overcome my hardships and, for that, I’m learning to love myself more and more each day.