I'm Kayla Logan — a queer, plus-size, body positive, and mental health advocate. You could say I'm a late-in-life-lesbian because it was only a few years ago, at the age of 32, that I finally came out of the closet to myself and then publicly.
Can you believe it? Coming out during a pandemic while we were all locked down — it's ironic, isn't it?
For the past five years, I've been on an incredible body positive journey, a journey that all started with me quitting diet culture. I started stripping down to my underwear at iconic locations worldwide with huge groups of people through my perfectly imperfect social campaign.
I want to show everyone that their body is beautiful, no matter the shape or size. Funny thing is, I started this project during Pride month in Toronto's gay village when I still thought I was straight.
Life has a way of surprising us, doesn't it? But that's the beauty of it — I wanted to prove that we all deserve respect and dignity.
Breaking Free From Diet Culture
When I made the life-changing decision to quit diet culture, it was time to embark on a journey of self-love, self-discovery, and emotional healing. I carried so much internalized fatphobia and self-loathing that I couldn't see beyond it. I was never satisfied.
That's when I knew I had to do the emotional work, seek therapy, and unpack the trauma that held me back. I had to allow myself to be vulnerable, even if it meant sitting in fear and discomfort.
It was during this process that I began openly questioning my sexuality for the first time in many years — that's when everything started to change. That’s when I started to come out to myself and publicly.
My coming-out-journey wasn't a straight line (pun intended). I remember questioning my sexuality all the way back to childhood — we’re talking pre-k folks — but for the sake of this story, let's bring it back to university.
In university I remember telling my boyfriend I might be bisexual. Wanting to explore that part of myself, I went to a gay bar hoping to flirt with a girl. But the experience didn't go as planned.
I realized that in terms of heteronormative standards, I displayed more masculine energy — initiating conversations, buying drinks — and my friends were unsupportive, almost mocking me.
I didn’t fit into the heteronormative standards of being the more feminine one, and it scared me. Alas, I quickly retreated back into the closet, not to come out again until years later when I discovered my pansexuality and, eventually, embraced my identity as a lesbian.
Coming Out
Coming out can be scary — whether it's coming out to yourself or to the world. The truth is, you don't have to come out publicly if you're not ready. Your safety and well-being come first.
But once you do come out, even if it's just to yourself, a tremendous sense of relief washes over you. It feels like a massive burden has been lifted from your chest, allowing you to finally breathe.
The relief of knowing who you truly are — of no longer being confused and questioning your sexuality — brings a sense of calm and peace.
For me, coming out was terrifying. I thought for sure I was going to be rejected and abandoned. Initially, I came out as pansexual, which I don’t think my parents truly understood.
In fact, my family thought it was funny to put pans in my bed for me to wake up to the following day. Hahaha, get it: PAN-SEXUAL?!
Coming out as pansexual didn’t seem like a big deal, but coming out when I had a girlfriend, now that scared the hell out of me. That’s when it felt real. Though, the notion that I wasn’t truly queer before my first same-sex relationship is a total fallacy.
In truth, the moment you come out to yourself as queer, your sexuality is valid.
Embracing Evolution
Coming out isn’t linear — like any other facet of your identity, it’s likely to evolve over time. I consider my big coming out moment to be when I came out as a lesbian later that year.
I remember thinking “there’s no going back.” I grieved the life I thought I would have. The life with the husband and children, you know the one with the white picket fence. It was in those days and months, hell, even today that I grieved what I thought my life would be and learned to embrace what it’s going to be.
There are also the challenges of homophobia, gender pay gaps, discrimination, and prejudice to contend with. As anti-2SLGBTQ+ legislation takes hold in many parts of the world and, specifically, the United States, there’s newfound grief to contend with.
Not to mention, these challenges of homophobia aren’t just taking place in the public sphere, but are happening right at home for me. Another layer of my journey involves living in an environment that’s extremely homophobic.
From being told that I can’t hang a Pride flag to having to withhold my identity from certain family members, it’s disheartening to say the least. My hope is that, in time, they will slowly start to accept me.
Love Outshines Prejudice
As you reach the end of this article, I invite you to join me in a moment of reflection, sprinkled with a touch of personal insight.
I firmly believe that every individual deserves love, dignity, and respect, regardless of their appearance, identity, or whom they love. And that's precisely why the queer community resonates with me so deeply.
They cherish authenticity, shattering gender norms, and embracing diverse sexualities without hesitation. Their core values revolve around love and acceptance. It breaks my heart to think of those who still cling to homophobia, trapped in rigid and archaic beliefs.
It stems from a lack of understanding, maybe even past trauma or overwhelming anger. But here's the thing: you don't have to subject yourself to that toxicity. Your happiness matters, and living authentically is the path to fulfillment.
I made the brave decision to step into my truth and embrace my big, beautiful lesbian self — and you can do the same. Don't feel obliged to stay in an environment that isn't safe for you. Find your community, your chosen family who will love and support you unconditionally.
Seek out conversations with like-minded individuals, even if it's online. Immerse yourself in the vibrant tapestry of queer culture. Above all, don't miss out on Pride, the celebration that reminds us we’re not alone and that love will always triumph.
Coming out was the best decision I ever made and I could never go back to a life in the closet. I finally know what it feels to be gay and proud.
Your journey to self-discovery begins now, and I'm cheering you on every step of the way.