Though we rarely think of them in these terms, confidence, resilience, and joy can be forms of resistance. For life coach and motivational speaker, Raia Carey, these are just a few of the pillars of helping people step into their power.
After overcoming their own hardships, Raia — whom you might know online as Coach Carey — saw an opportunity to guide others through their own trials and tribulations, providing folks with tangible and potentially life-changing tools.
Most recently, we had the pleasure of collaborating with Raia in celebration of Black History Month. Naturally, she brought all the best vibes to set — from belly laughs and dance party moves to profound insights about the importance of joy and allyship.
When we snuck away from set to chat for a few minutes, it was no different. Being the sage she is, I walked away from our conversation feeling both lighter and more emboldened — I hope you do, too.
Knix: How did you find your calling as a life coach and motivational speaker?
Raia Carey: My passion for coaching really came from majoring in psychology in university. I’ve always been passionate about why people do the things they do, so I could better understand myself and the people around me.
Honestly, it came out of a sort of shift. I didn't see myself represented in the psychology industry at all — from our case studies to homework, to just anything. It wasn't inclusive.
It made me feel like, well, how can I support myself and the communities that I represent if none of it's even talked about here? Psychology sometimes feels very black and white. I find that coaching is a bit more in the gray area.
Now that's really blossomed into being able to teach the tools I learned for myself. Sharing that with others is probably the most rewarding thing in the world.
K: You describe confidence as a practice, rather than an attribute that some have and others don’t. How can people practice confidence in their everyday lives?
RC: To become good at anything, it has to be implemented into your life pretty regularly — and the same goes for confidence. I don’t think there’s any person on this earth who doesn’t have ups and downs with confidence, no matter who you are, where you’re from, what you look like, your education, background, or how you identify.
If I were to suggest one or two things that are accessible to just about anybody, I would bring it back to language. Every single person has self-talk and every other person can understand positive and negative self-talk.
But what about the words that you don't realize are “negative” and hinder you? We’ve all heard the saying “thoughts create action,” but no one ever thinks about how language creates our thoughts.
Then, number two is boundaries. I don't think most people see the correlation between boundaries and confidence, boundaries help us respect ourselves. Boundaries really play a foundational role when it comes to confidence because when you implement, honor, and stick to those boundaries, you build self-trust.
When you trust yourself, you create more confidence from a foundational level within. It impacts how you show up in the world.
K: You often talk about tapping into “hidden confidence.” I'm curious to know, what are some of the things that might obscure someone's innate inner confidence? How can those hurdles be overcome?
RC: Everybody is capable of being confident. There are so many things that can block someone's confidence, including those really big and heavy emotions that I would say are in the “negative” space, like shame and guilt.
Those are such big emotions for a human to move through; they literally follow you around like a little rain cloud everywhere you go. And, oftentimes, you don't have an umbrella.
One way to move through those difficult blockages is really giving yourself compassion. I think a lot of people feel shame about things that are “taboo.” Having self-compassion, whether it’s through meditation or positive language, can really help.
We all learn and grow. Those types of practices are ways to help people move through tough emotions, but you can't move through it unless you are willing to sit with it. If you sweep it under the rug, it will keep showing up — louder and louder.
K: You've referenced the link between discrimination, racism, and resilience. Can you tell me more about building resilience in the face of injustice?
RC: It's tricky because everybody is different and when you're from a marginalized community, you're often faced with discrimination, racism, and prejudice in your day to day life. That takes an emotional toll on a person.
Resilience is continuing to show up. When I think of resilience, I think of my grandparents and people who fought for our rights to be here. They fought so that the next generation could have better opportunity, access, and rights.
So, the resiliency piece is showing up, getting up, speaking up for what's right. It's not just about you, it's also a bigger picture that includes the next generation and people who can't speak up for themselves.
K: How do you think confidence and resilience are connected?
RC: There might be days where you're thinking, I don't feel that confident, but do I have the resilience to still show up as my best self? There will always be ups and downs, there will always be lulls, but resilience can create an awareness that you’re still okay, even if you’re feeling less confident.
When my confidence is low, I usually take some time to be by myself. Then, maybe I’ll go swimming, or hang out with my best friends, or call my mom, or watch my favorite show because those are the things I need to refuel me. It doesn’t mean I’m not confident anymore, it just means I need to restore and be proactive.
I reference this a lot in my workshops, but everyone can build a toolbox. I always say, if you're here right now, you've overcome something. That means you have tools somewhere. So, let's bring them to the forefront and potentially add some new ones. If you know what your tools are, on those off days, you're not left scrambling.
K: On a final note, I'd love to take a moment to acknowledge the importance of black joy. Why do you think it's so imperative that it be fostered and visible in our day to day?
RC: I think it needs to be showcased in the mainstream media. I think it needs to be cultivated because joy is important for every person, but specifically for people from the Black community.
I think around Black History Month and Juneteenth or Emancipation Day, we often talk about the hardships, which are important. Of course, we have to talk about history, but we can also talk about the celebration. We can also talk about the joys. We can also talk about all of the accomplishments from people within the Black community who are doing great things — that’s a part of joy that’s also about representation.
For hundreds of years it was, "please don't be this, please don't succeed, please don't be happy. Don't grow, don't be a part of society." Joy that is part of resistance.
Not only are we learning and succeeding, but we're also happy even when we have every reason to lead with hate in our hearts. That is the resistance for sure. I am my grandparents' wildest dream come true. I don't think my grandparents ever thought I could be a successful queer Black woman.